I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
its liver damage thursday
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
