her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
