P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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