I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
