my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
