My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
