broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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