I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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