He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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