Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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