I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
