i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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