If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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