I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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