If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
