before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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