I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
