remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
