i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you win again, gameday.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
