I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
