i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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