I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is Oprah even human
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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