When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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