I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
