i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
