she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
