awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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