The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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