remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
