Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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