The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
