he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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