dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
