we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
