I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
