Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
