I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
