Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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