i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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