He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
