So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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