I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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