I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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