This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
