Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
