I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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