Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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