Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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