Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
