Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
