Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
