you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
